Well, thanks to the calendar’s decision to put September 19 on a Monday this year, you’ve been spared my efforts to talk like a pirate. I’ll allow you to decide whether that’s a good thing or not–but be judicious in your comments: Talk Like a Pirate Day does fall on a Tuesday next year, and you can be sure I’ll use the occasion to exact fearful revenge upon those who mocked me at the Academy! Muh-hah-hah-hah–huh? Oh, sorry.

Talk Like a Mad Scientist Day is July 27, and I missed it completely.

You knew there had to be one, right? There’s a day for everything. Talk Like Shakespeare Day (April 23, of course). Talk Like a Gangster Day (October 16, apparently). International Talk Like a Quaker Day (October 24–pardon me, Tenth Month 24). Talk Like a Physicist Day (March 14, better known as Pi Day–there’s supposedly a TLaPD blog, but, well, does anyone else find it as amusing as I do that the server is experiencing out of memory problems?)

Correction: there’s one group that doesn’t have their own day to speak up. Ninjas. I would have thought that any group that lets its weapons do their talking would have their own day, through sheer intimidation, if nothing else. But apparently not. A martial arts school in Kentucky declared April 2 “Talk Like a Ninja Day” this year. But, according to the Facebook event page, only one person attended.

Of course, these being ninjas, there were probably thousands more who weren’t spotted, but this is the Internet we’re talking about, where “GIF or it didn’t happen” is a way of life. No pictures of ninjas means no ninjas.

The comic Bug Martini took a look at the difficulties of holding a Talk Like a Ninja Day back in 2013. It hasn’t gotten any easier since.

Day of the Ninja” has their heart in the right place (behind the rib cage, natch). But they’ve been promoting their day–December 5–since at least 2002, but the day, appropriately enough, just keeps slipping past without anyone noticing.

And, in case you don’t have a calendar handy, December 5 is also a Monday this year, so I’ll be letting pass without comment.

But hang on. I’ve just realized something important. We’ve got a day to talk like a pirate, but we’ve completely neglected the pirate’s traditional faithful companion!

To remedy the situation, I hereby declare today International Talk Like a Parrot Day.

Walk up behind somebody (preferably somebody who observed Talk Like a Pirate Day yesterday), scream “Squawk! Pieces of eight! Pieces of eight!”, bite their ear, and run* away.

* Or fly, if you have the necessary physical attributes.

I’m going to make this an annual event on September 20, and I hope you’ll join me.

Yet Another Pirate Post

Ahoy, mateys! It be International Talk Like a Pirate Day!

It also be me nephew Simon’s birthday. ‘Tis hard to believe the sprat be four years old already. Seems ’twas but a short time ago that he were born. Happy Birthday to ya, Sprat!

Man, talking like that is exhausting.

Talk Like a Pirate Day represents a major victory for the Pirate Team in the ongoing Internet battle between pirates and ninjas. Attempts to implement a counter by the Ninja Team have been less than successful, as nobody ever hears a ninja, making Talk Like a Ninja Day a very quiet day indeed.

Joking partly aside, the ninjas have claimed December 5 as the “Annual Day of the Ninja”. Prepare to be unexpectedly killed on that day. Umm… Let’s face it, the ninjas have a significant marketing deficit to overcome. They’ve been promoting DotN since 2002, and yet nobody seems to know about it. But what can they do? If they take their masks off and speak up, they’re dishonoring their essential ninjaness. A definite quandry.

But enough about ninjas. Today is the pirates day. What are they doing to celebrate, other than talking?

Well, the Pittsburgh Pirates are playing the San Diego Padres. A victory would end a three game losing streak and solidify their grasp on the playoffs (assuming they hold on, it’ll be their first playoff trip since 1992).

826 Valencia, which claims to be “San Francisco’s only independent pirate supply store” is open, but doesn’t seem to be doing anything special for the day. A lost marketing opportunity, indeed.

If you’re looking for TlaPD-specific events, there’s a Google map. I know there are several people reading this in Austin; there are at least three events for you or your kids.

It’s a little late, but on Saturday those of you near Newport News, Virginia can help set a Guinness World Record for “Largest Gathering of Pirates“. Is it just me, or are there too many categories of records recognized by Guinness these days? Seems like it should be harder to find an area to compete in. Or am I being overly grumpy?

Pirates will also be celebrating their day by preventing oceanographic research — unless the Air Force steps in.

As for me, I’m planning to celebrate the day by kicking back later this evening with a video of Gilbert and Sullivan’s “Pirates of Penzance“.

(No, I don’t have that version; I’ll be watching the Seattle Gilbert and Sullivan Society production from 2006.)