Good Job

Bad commercials take a lot of flack here–all, IMNSHO, completely justified. But let me take a step to the other side for a change and direct your attention to a commercial that actually works.

You’ve probably seen it–if you’ve been watching the MLB playoffs, I know you’ve seen it.

It’s the Amazon Prime commercial with the dog and the lion costume. If you’ve managed to miss it for the last year, you can see it here:

Actually, that’s the Japanese version, but don’t sweat it; the US version is the same except for the language of the Amazon App seen briefly.

Whoever came up with the concept for this absolutely nailed it. It’s got a cute dog, a cute baby, and a sappy song. How could it miss?

Actually, it could easily have missed. But the ad doesn’t insult any of the actors–nobody’s egregiously stupid–or the audience. And it doesn’t try to do too much. If it had tried to push both the main point (same day delivery) and stress the incredible variety of things Amazon sells, it would have turned into a hyperjettic, crowded mess. Instead, it makes the point almost casually: “A lion costume for a dog? If they’ve got that, they must have the weird thing I want, right?”

The contrast is all the greater when you see the ad on TV, surrounded by ads for the Amazon Echo. Including the man who’s too stupid to put the lid on the blender and the woman who interrupts her busy day to gaze longingly at her motorcycle. Even the ad with the cat misfires: if your cat was staring into your fish tank, would your first reaction be to buy cat food? Well, maybe it would, but mine would be to put the cat on the floor, probably in a different room, before it tried to climb into the tank.

Interestingly, the ad started as a long-form piece, one minute and fifteen seconds, which you can see here. And the extra forty-five seconds absolutely ruin it. It loses focus and buries the message under a pair of not-at-all funny jokes. Cutting down to a thirty second spot saved it. More proof, as if we need it, that writing good fiction often requires you to cut the bits you love–William Faulkner called it killing your darlings.

Kudos to the Amazon Prime ad writer for that one perfect moment buried in all the dreck.

Logistics

Amazon, we gotta talk.

No, not about your recent policy change regarding third-party book resellers. That is a problem, and we’ll have to hash it out over drinks one of these days.

But you’ve got a bigger problem on your hands right now, and it affects your entire site, not just your stranglehold on the publishing industry.

I’m talking about your delivery service, Amazon Logistics.

For the benefit of the people listening in to our little chat here, Amazon Logistics is Amazon’s effort to save money on shipping by cutting UPS, DHL, and the US Postal Service out of the loop. And let’s be clear here: Amazon doesn’t own fleets of airplanes and trucks, nor do they hire thousands of delivery personnel. The delivery magic is performed by commercial carriers under contract to Amazon, with much of the “last mile” delivery–actually bringing the packages to your door–done by contractors.

Yeah, Amazon’s delivery service is part of the same “gig economy” that’s working so well for Uber drivers and other non-employee workers.

As Amazon puts it, they’re looking for people who want to “deliver packages for Amazon using your car and smartphone.

And that’s where Amazon’s problem lies.

See, the way it works is that they cram those cars full of packages. The smartphone app provides routing instructions, and at each stop, the driver has to find the package, scan it with Amazon’s app, and then bring it to the door.

This isn’t hearsay, by the way. It’s personal observation. My office overlooks my front door, so I see all the delivery people who come by, not just to our house, but to a half-dozen of our neighbors’ houses as well.

UPS, FedEx, and the other delivery services who use actual employees as drivers have the bugs worked out of their systems. When we get a package carried by these folks, it goes like this:

  1. A truck displaying the company logo comes up the street on the side where parking is legal.
  2. The truck parks at the curb,
  3. the driver gets into the back, finds the package,
  4. brings it to the door–often ringing the bell–
  5. then returns to his truck and drives off down the street.

Here’s how it goes for one of Amazon’s gig economy workers:

  1. A car comes up the street on the side posted with “No Parking” signs.
  2. The driver stops in the middle of the street (halfway around a blind curve, by the way), turns on his emergency blinkers, and opens the driver’s door.
  3. He then opens the back door and leans into the car, to search through the pile of boxes that reaches from the floor to window level.
  4. Assuming he finds the package–and he doesn’t always–he stands in the middle of the street while he scans the barcode, then crosses to the sidewalk, leaving both car doors open,
  5. throws the package over the gate (yes, I’m speaking literally: a heave, a toss, a hurl–pick your favorite word meaning a semi-guided flight through the air),
  6. before returning to his car, closing the doors, and sitting (still in the middle of the blind curve) while checking the smartphone for directions to the next location.

See the difference?

I won’t even get into the issue of anonymous cars cruising slowly through residential neighborhoods, though I wonder how many Amazon drivers get reported to the police as suspicious individuals.

I’m not even really complaining about the cavalier treatment of the packages, though I’ll admit to being irked. I’m concerned about the safety of the delivery guys* and anyone else driving through the neighborhood.

* Lest anyone accuse me of sexism, let me note at this point that I have never seen a female Amazon delivery person. I’m sure they exist, and I’d bet they engage in the same unsafe behaviors as the male delivery people.

So, yeah, Amazon? You really ought to look into how your scheduling and routing practices encourage unsafe behavior by drivers trying to squeeze as many deliveries into a day as possible. Do it before someone gets killed. If nothing else, do it because lawsuits are expensive. But do it.

Listen Up!

I love the Internet’s response to new forms of advertising.

Specifically, I’m talking about Burger King’s recent attempt to hijack TV viewers’ cell phones and Google Home devices.

In case you missed it, BK ran–and is still running–an ad that deliberately uses the “OK Google” activation phrase to trigger any gadget in earshot to start reading the Wikipedia page about their Whopper burger.

The response? The page in question was almost immediately edited to describe the burger as “cancer-causing” and to list cyanide in its ingredients.

Allegedly, a senior BK executive tried to change the page to something more complimentary, only to have his edits removed.

So, yeah, I think that’s the perfect response. Google, who apparently were not warned about the ad in advance, modified their software’s response to ignore the ad. While I’m sure many people appreciate that, it does raise a few questions.

Let’s not forget that most of Google’s billions of dollars come from advertising. Suppose BK had come to Google and said, “Hey, we want to tie a TV ad to your devices. Here’s a stack of money.” Does anyone think Google’s response would have been “Buzz off”? I’m guessing it would have been more along the lines of “How big is the stack?”

And then there’s the privacy aspect. This contretemps should serve as a reminder that “OK Google” does not use any kind of voice recognition to limit requests to the device’s owner. Nor can the phrase be changed. I’ve complained about that before: not only does it lead to multiple devices trying to respond to a single request, but it also makes it simple for outright malicious actions.

Amazon, Apple, and Microsoft are equally guilty here–Alexa, Siri, and Cortana have fixed, unchangeable triggers too.

And now, perhaps, we’re seeing why none of the manufacturers want to let users personalize their devices’ voice interaction. If we could change the trigger phrase, or limit the device to taking instructions from specific people, then the manufacturers wouldn’t be able to sell broadcast advertising like this.

If the only way you can prevent random strangers from using your phone is to turn off the voice feature, then you don’t own your phone.

Microsoft is making it harder and harder to turn Cortana off. Microsoft is also putting more and more ads in Windows. Do you sense a connection?

How long will it be before you can’t turn Siri and Google off?

And editing Wikipedia pages will only get us so far in defending ourselves.

Google was able to turn off the response to BK’s ad-spam. But they could just as easily have changed the response to read from an internally-hosted page or one housed on BK’s own servers. Either way, Internet users wouldn’t be able to touch it, at least not without opening themselves up to legal liability for hacking.

The most annoying part of this whole debacle is that now I’m craving a hamburger. I won’t be getting one at Burger King, though.

Sorry

My apologies for the later-than-usual post today. It was, I fear, unavoidable. But I’m sorry for the lapse and will endeavor to do better in the future.

As I implied last month, The RagTime Traveler is complete. That doesn’t mean there’s nothing going on in the way of writing. We’re deeply into the research and planning for our next collaboration. It’s much too soon to drop any hints about the plot or setting, but I will say that, like TRTT, this book is going to deal with matters we’ve both wanted to write about. In TRTT we wrote a time travel tale. In [Title Redacted for Security Purposes], we’re going to–. Ahem. For right now, I’ll leave it at “we’re going to scratch several itches.”

So I spent a chunk of the morning weeding the results of some plot brainstorming and researching a character we didn’t know we had.

16-1Then I got, well, distracted. See, yesterday afternoon, I got one of these. As we all know, the acquisition of a new gadget is a top priority. You have to make sure it works, right? Not to mention fix the inevitable problems you create for yourself by using it wrong.

Most of the problems have been solved. Assuming I can clean up the last few oopsies, I’ll be posting soon about what the gadget is and what I’m doing with it.

Enough excuses. Let’s move on to the actual post for the day.

According to Quartz, Amazon has found a new way to use technology to destroy civilization.

It seems that there’s a growing movement among parents who believe that Amazon’s Alexa is ruining their efforts to teach their children proper manners.

The problem, they say, is that Alexa doesn’t react like a human when you speak to it. It doesn’t insist that kids say “please” and “thank you” and it doesn’t get annoyed at the hundredth repetition of “Why?”

Alice Truong, the author of Quartz’ piece, points out that there’s a solid technical reason why Alexa doesn’t want polite phrases: “…extraneous words can often trip up the speaker’s artificial intelligence” and “In general, kids can be hard to understand—more so when it’s artificial intelligence that’s deciphering their speech.”

But Ms. Truong doesn’t mention the most important reason: Alexa isn’t human. Alexa is a tool designed to perform a specific function–answer questions–and like (almost) every tool, it’s designed to do it in the most efficient way possible. Imagine how annoying it would be if you had to click a “thank you” button every time your web browser displayed a new page.

Rather than worrying that Alexa is teaching your kids bad manners, how about teaching your kids that different circumstances require different behaviors? For example, running around the dinner table, screaming might be acceptable at home, but it’s almost never appropriate in a restaurant.

Similarly, thanking your waiter is almost always appropriate, but thanking a hunk of plastic is never mandatory and rarely necessary.

And, of course, apologizing to your readers is sometimes appropriate.

Even More Numbers

Remember last June, when I devoted a couple of days to talking about book subscription services in general and Amazon’s Kindle Unlimited in particular? No? Rats. (The posts are here and here if you want to refresh your memory.)

One of the points I made was noting that KU’s switch to paying authors by the number of pages read instead of the percent of the book read was most likely to benefit authors of long, unreadable books.

In the follow-up discussion of avoiding having Amazon look over your shoulder, I suggested making sure authors got paid by scrolling to the end of each book in the Kindle reader before exported it to the reader of your choice. Of course, that would only work if Amazon’s page counting method was a simple-minded check of the highest page number you saw.

We now know that Amazon’s method is that stupidsimple. And we also know that it opened up stunning new vistas for scammers.

It works like this:
1) Page One of your new book says “For a chance to win fifty gazillion dollars, check out the last page of the book!”
2) The next nine-hundred-ninety-nine pages are computer-generated word salad.
3) Page One Thousand says “Ha-ha, there is no prize, Sucker!”*

Presto! Every time somebody checks that last page, you get credited for 1,000 page reads.

* Even better: Direct the suckers to your web page, where you have dozens of ads, malware installation tools, or whatever other monitization methods you want to use waiting. Double payment!

Apparently, so many scammers are doing variations on this trick that payments to real authors have dropped significantly. Not that–as we’ve seen–KU payments were all that great in the first place. (Any model that relies on an ever-growing group of authors sharing a fixed pool of payments is not going to be good for the authors.)

If you needed any proof that Amazon doesn’t give a shit about either authors or readers, now you’ve got it. Even a cursory review of books submitted to KU would catch a large percentage of this sort of crap. Hell, a few simple automated checks could weed out a significant fraction. Even just flagging books whose readers have a higher-than-average reading speed could point out books designed for fraud.

But Amazon doesn’t care. They’ve got the readers’ ten bucks a month, and authors continue to sign up for KU, so there’s some real content mixed into the garbage. As long as the proportion of garbage is low enough that people keep paying their monthly subscription fee, Amazon has absolutely no incentive to clean up KU.

So why do authors continue to publish with KU? Because Amazon makes it easy, they don’t do the math, and, bluntly, they figure any payment is better than nothing.

Feh!

Just say no to Kindle Unlimited.

Loose Ends 1

The end of the year is approaching–hopefully you were already aware of that–so I thought I’d close out a couple of open issues before the calendar turns over.

I’ve talked about Amazon’s $50 tablet a couple of times, most recently in September, when I said the thing might actually be more useful than expected. Apparently a lot of people agreed with me. Amazon dropped the price to $35 as one of their Black Friday deals, and they sold a heck of a lot of them. I don’t know how many, but they quickly went into backorder status. People who bought them Friday evening received them just in time for Christmas.

I’m speaking as a recipient, not a purchaser here, by the way. Yes, there was a Fire under our tree this year (sorry). Many thanks to Maggie for the gift.

After four days of playing with it, I’m actually impressed.

Yes, it’s made of plastic, but it doesn’t feel cheap. It’s quite solid, no creaks or flexes. That solidity does come at a price; it’s heavier than I expected, but that’s a reasonable tradeoff. It’s still light enough to hold one-handed for extended periods.

As expected, the speaker sucks. There’s no bass, and the sound distorts at even moderate volume. But nobody in their right mind would use a tablet’s built-in speakers anyway. Plug in headphones or external speakers, and the sound is perfectly acceptable.

The 1024×600 resolution is, well, odd. Held vertically, it looks skinny; horizontally it feels like sitting in the last row of a very big movie theater. That makes video something of a peculiar experience. The Fire plays video surprisingly well, at least in my limited tests, but the aspect ratio doesn’t quite fit either standard or high definition content. The distortion isn’t horrible, but it’s noticeable if you look for it. On the other hand, the tablet is light enough that you can hold it close to your face, making the seven inch screen much less of an issue. It’s still too small to completely fill your visual field, but if you don’t insist on your TV shows being immersive experiences, it’s quite adequate.

I expected the size and resolution would make for a decent reading experience, and I was right. I’m pleased enough that I’m making it my primary reader. It’s much more comfortable to hold for a couple of hours at a time than my nine-inch Nexus and the display is crisp enough that I’m not worried about eye strain. And it’s small enough to make it easy to slip into a pocket and take it along for BART reading.

There are some negatives. For one thing, the screen is a fingerprint magnet. Keep a lint-free cloth handy because you’ll be wiping the screen every couple of days. For another, it can be quite sluggish when switching between apps. Once I’m into an app, it’s usually fine, but I’ve had several five second waits while the tablet frees up memory.

And there are some quirks around the way the device handles user profiles. You can have two “adult” accounts and several “child” accounts, but only the first adult account can use system-level controls. That makes the second adult essentially a child, only with no age-based restrictions on content. It’s unlikely to be a problem for most users, but it’s something to keep in mind when you first set up the device–the first adult account should probably be the person who will be using the tablet most.

The biggest problem, though, is Amazon’s walled garden. I expected there would be some issues in that regard, but the details have tripped me a couple of times. Remember that SD card slot? It’s there, and it works, but Amazon seems to have made it very difficult for third-party apps to use it. Moving your music and video to SD is straightforward, but Amazon explicitly blocks you from moving other media types–including books–to SD. They prefer you to keep anything other than music and video on the internal memory and shuffle it off to cloud storage when you run short of space.

Third-party apps, as far as I can tell, only get read access to the SD card. Since this is my first Amazon device, most of my books are in epub format, which Amazon’s reader doesn’t handle. So I use a third-party reader–the same one I’ve used for a couple of years on my Nexii. I’ve had to load my books by putting the card in my computer. It works, but it’s a little cumbersome.

Bottom line: I like it. It’s well worth the $50 price tag. But be aware of the limitations. This is emphatically not a do-everything device.

More loose ends Thursday. See you then!

More Good News

I’m going to continue with the good news items until I run out of either good news or good cheer.

Remember last week when I talked about that $50 tablet Amazon was rumored to be working on? Well, yesterday it moved from rumor to reality as part of Amazon’s announcement of four new tablets and three Fire TV devices.

Why is this good news? To put it bluntly, it’s not a bad as expected. That may sound like I’m damning it with faint praise, but I’m serious. If you’re willing to work within Amazon’s infrastructure, this thing could actually be useful.

For one thing, rumor was wrong about the six-inch screen. It’s actually seven inches–my preferred size. Granted, the resolution is fairly low (1024×600), but no matter what Amazon might hope, you weren’t going to be watching a whole lot of video on a screen that size anyway. But that’s definitely good enough for reading ebooks, and if you’ve already got a library outside of the Kindle universe, there are plenty of reader apps in Amazon’s app store–no need to sideload.

8GB of storage isn’t great, but it’s got a microSD slot, so you can expand to 128GB. It’s not going to hold a dedicated music collector’s entire library, but it will hold enough to occupy your ears for days at a time. Yes, as rumored, it does only have a monophonic speaker, but the headphone jack is stereo (or use your Bluetooth headphones or speakers). And even the best tablet speakers are lousy; you would prefer headphones even if the Fire had stereo speakers.

What’s most interesting is that Amazon recognizes that the Fire may be a underpowered for multitasking. The tablet’s sales page actually suggests using it as a dedicated single-use device: put one in the kitchen as a digital cookbook, one in the family room as a TV controller (as I suggested last week), one in the car for backseat entertainment, and so on.

To make single-use practical, they’re offering a bundle deal: buy five, get a sixth free. That makes the per-device cost less than $42, or looked at another way, gives you a 24-core, 48GB tablet with an unusually flexible screen (2048×2400? 1024×3600? 3072×1800?) for $250. OK, six $40 tablets may not really be able to compete head-to-head with a single $250 tablet, but I think it’s a legitimate argument.

If you’re intrigued enough to get one, let me know what you think–or if you decide to get a six-pack and toss one in my direction, I’ll be happy to provide a hands-on report.

In any case, kudos to Amazon for exceeding expectations and producing something better than anyone hoped.

Moving on.

Today’s other bit of good news comes from Lebanon, NH, where librarians continue to make me proud of my former profession.

The backstory is that in July, the Kilton Public Library dedicated a computer to the Tor Project*. Anonymity comes from Tor traffic bouncing through several “nodes” between the user and the destination website. Consequently, the more nodes there are in the network, the more secure communication becomes.

* Follow the link above for details, but in brief, the Tor network provides users with anonymous, encrypted access to the Internet. Consequently, it’s extremely popular with people living in countries that monitor and restrict Internet access, whistleblowers, or anyone who cannot risk having their identity exposed.

So, by volunteering to be a test site for the Library Freedom Project, which aims to set up Tor nodes in as many public libraries as possible, Kilton Public Library contributed a small but significant amount to making the world a safer place.

Fast forward to last week when the Department of Homeland Services sent a letter to the Lebanon Police Department, warning that the Tor network could be abused by criminals and terrorists. The police brought the DHS alert to the attention of the library, and in the face of concerns about a possible public relations hit through associating the library with “pornography and drug trafficking,” the Tor node was temporarily shut down.

Which brings us to Tuesday. Kilton’s library board voted in favor of reinstating the node. It was turned on as soon as the vote concluded, and the LFP’s experiment continues.

Thank you, Kilton Public Library–librarians and board members alike.

Fire Sale

The Wall Street Journal reports that Amazon will be releasing a $50 tablet “in time for the holidays”.

Multiple tech sites are picking up on the story and asking the question “Would you buy a $50 tablet?” I think that’s the wrong question. The right question is “Would you buy a $50 tablet from Amazon?”

Let’s talk about that a bit.

This is Amazon, the company that is perfectly willing to take a loss on hardware because they know they can make up for it in software. In the case of tablets, that “software” isn’t apps, it’s books, movies, and music. As best I can tell (keeping in mind that I don’t own an Amazon device), each new version of their customized version of Android makes it just a little harder to bring your own media in from outside the Amazon ecosystem. I don’t see the version they ship on this new tablet being any exception to that rule.

Then there’s the tablet itself. The WSJ says it’s going to have a six-inch screen. That’s phablet territory, and a size that manufacturers have concluded doesn’t work for tablets. Heck, it’s getting harder and harder to find seven-inch tablets (my preferred size) outside the bargain bin. That aside, the media experience on a six-inch screen isn’t great. Music is OK–as millions of iPod users will tell you, a screen isn’t really necessary for a purely-audio experience–but video is iffy. Even on a seven-inch screen, video is eye-squintingly small; as best I can tell from forum comments, video is the main driver in making phablets ever-larger. As for books, for all but those with excellent vision, a six-inch screen will mean either tiny print, or frequent page turns. Neither is a desirable user experience.

So would you buy a $50 tablet strictly for audio? Would it change your opinion if you knew that it only had a single monophonic speaker? Mono isn’t necessarily a deal-breaker for an audio device–witness the popularity of Sonos’ Play:One and Play:Three devices, both of which are monophonic. But the Sonos gadgets have much higher-quality speakers than anything that could fit in a tablet, even one selling for significantly more than $50, and they also offer the option of pairing two speakers for stereo. It seems unlikely that Amazon’s cheapie tablet would have a similar pairing capability.

One possibility would be that Amazon will position the tablet not so much for its own multimedia capabilities, but more as a glorified remote control for the Fire TV set-top box. But if you don’t already have a Fire TV, that’s another $40 on top of the $50 for the tablet. $90 is squarely in the same range as a Roku box or even an Apple TV–and Apple is expected to announce a new, more powerful version of the Apple TV tomorrow.

I don’t really see a market for Amazon’s little Fire tablet. Unless they have something really spectacular up their sleeve–and, based on the damp thud their Fire Phone made when it hit last year, I don’t think they do–I think the $50 tablet is going to be more of a wet match than a blowtorch when it comes to igniting sales.

Bits and Pieces

Some quickies for a slow Thursday.

First, a prediction I got right. In talking about Google’s addition of automatic tagging to their Photo app, I said “If the recognition works well, the advantages are obvious. If it doesn’t work well, then we’ve got a repeat of Flickr’s recent image tagging fiasco.”

Earlier this week, Ars Technica reported that the app was tagging photos of two black people as “gorillas”.

Google handled it well: they immediately removed the tags, apologized publicly, and worked with the man who reported the problem to tweak the facial recognition code.

But honestly, this can’t be the only offensive incorrect recognition lurking in the code. New prediction: we’ll see more such stories about Google, Flickr, and any other photo storage and display software that assigns tags automatically.


You may have heard that a new debate has been sweeping the Internet lately. More polarizing than what color the dress is, more riveting than escaped llamas, it’s The Great Peacamole debate!

A couple of years ago, Melissa Clark, a New York Times columnist wrote about a guacamole recipe based on green peas. The world ignored it. Yesterday she wrote about it again, and the Internet–Twitter in particular–exploded.

Tweets from both sides of the political divide condemned the recipe:

And yet Ms. Clark remains defiant:

The thing is, this recipe not only includes peas, but also, God help us, sunflower seeds.

I’m sure the recipe is as delicious as Ms. Clark claims–but it isn’t guacamole. If it had been billed as what it is, Avocado/pea dip, we would have avoided this whole debate.

But still, there’s a bright spot in the debacle. We’ve found an issue that unites President Obama and Texas Republicans. Maybe, just maybe, they can build on that agreement. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if something so wrong as peacamole led to an agreement on gun control, immigration, or abortion rights?


In sadder news, Tama, the feline stationmaster of Japan’s Kishigawa railway line, died last week. Her funeral was attended by 3,000 mourners.

I’ve written several times about cats working to promote their own selfish agendas or achieve world domination. It’s a pleasant change to take note of a cat working to improve her life by helping the humans around her.

Tama rose from poverty–a former stray–and single-pawedly saved the rail line from bankruptcy, and drew more than a billion yen in tourist income the the region. In recognition of her efforts, she’s been appointed to the post of “honourable eternal stationmaster” and has been deified.

Her apprentice, Nitama, has taken on the role of honorary stationmaster.


And finally, CNET and other venues are reporting that Amazon will be changing the way it weights reviews. Instead of simply averaging all reviews’ ratings, they’ll begin giving more weight to “useful” reviews.

Although the expect the weightings to change over time, currently the plan is to give more weight to verified Amazon buyers’ reviews, newer reviews, and reviews customers flag as helpful.

I have mixed feelings about the change. I can see it making a lot of sense in some areas. Giving more weight to newer reviews and “helpful” reviews of appliances, toys, and tech gadgets makes sense to me. As similar products come out, reviews that compare multiple options and weigh the tradeoffs should get more weight.

On the other hand, I don’t think that’s as true in other fields. Is a recent review of Twilight automatically more useful than one that was written when the book came out? Should a review of Jurassic Park that compares it with Jurassic World be granted more weight than a review from last year? How much weight does a multiply-helpful-flagged review of Madonna’s Like a Virgin from 1984 get compared to a review from 2014?

I’ll be watching to see how this develops.

Perverse Hope

Stop me if you’ve heard this one…

I find it somehow reassuring that the United States doesn’t have a monopoly on clueless politicians and lawyers who create–and try to enforce–completely brain-dead legislation.

For proof, one needs to look no further than a story making the rounds this morning. According to multiple sites, Germany is attempting to prevent the sale of adult e-books during daytime hours.

You read that right. If you want to buy an adult e-book from a German bookseller, you can only do so between 10 PM and 6 AM*, local time.

* If I haven’t screwed up the timezone conversion, that’s 1 PM to 9 PM here on the west coast of the US. Primetime for porn consumption. Remember, kids, don’t use your work computers to buy porn–unless you can justify the expense on the corporate credit card.

This isn’t an old, pre-Internet law being extended into electronic territory. It was passed in 2002 and appears* to be an update of a law dating back to 1954. The new extension to e-books is part of the ongoing review and rating process at the core of the law.

* I took some German in grad school, but have long since forgotten most of it. Accordingly, I’m relying on this article from the Font of All Human Knowledge. If your German–or direct knowledge of German law–is better than mine, please correct any errors you see in my post. Come to think of it, Wikipedia would also appreciate your corrections.

The implementation, as best I can tell, will be for retailers to tag all “youth-endangering” titles and automatically filter them out of all lists and search results during those dangerous hours when kids are awake.

Am I the only one who expects this to go down the way the EU’s charming “Right to be Forgotten” has been handled? There’s no question that Amazon’s German arm will be subject to this law–a corporate entity operating in Germany is logically subject to German Law.

But remember: France now insists that it’s not sufficient for Google to only filter searches for RtbF material in the EU. I expect German politicians* to point with horror to how easy it is to access non-German sites from Germany and thus that their restrictions must be implemented by all sellers. It’s not enough that sellers block sales (and they already do: the big sellers use geolocation to determine where an order is placed from to apply the correct VAT and block sales to regions where titles haven’t been licensed). Even showing the titles, let alone covers and previews, would be a violation.

* And if you don’t think the ongoing anger over the post-Snowden revelations of NSA spying on German lawmakers won’t be a factor, you’re dreaming.

Bets on how long it’ll be before we hear the first demands for Amazon US to hide adult titles during the American afternoon?