Root Who

And here we are again. The marathon is over, and it’s time to sprint. Oddly, Google Translate doesn’t include “Baseball Clichés” as an option, so allow me to offer a somewhat free translation: The MLB regular season is over and the playoffs start today.

Never have I been so unhappy to be correct. The Mariners made a last-minute playoff push, but came up short again. That extends their playoff drought to fifteen years. Disappointing, yes, but in line with my prediction at the beginning of the season. I’ll report on my predictions later–did I crack the .500 mark and achieve respectability?–but, since I also made playoff predictions using the same technique, I’ll wait until I can wrap up both sets of guessesscientific deductions at once.

For now, you’ll have to settle for my traditional guide to selecting a playoff team to root for. Those of you who have teams in the playoffs, congratulations. The rest of you–including those of you who only follow the playoffs–listen up.

The rules haven’t changed much since last year:

Rules for Rooting, 2016 edition

  1. Unless it’s the team you follow during the regular season, you must not root for any team that has been promoted as “America’s Team” or otherwise held up by its owners and/or the media as the ultimate expression of the sport.
  2. You should not root for a team from your own team’s division.
  3. That said, you really ought to root for somebody from your own league. Crossing the league boundary without a really good excuse is in bad taste.
  4. Possession of team merchandise with sentimental value OR a history of following a favorite player from team to team trumps Rules Two and Three. It does not override Rule One. Nothing overrides Rule One.
  5. Teams with a record of futility or legitimate “misfit” credentials get bonus points in the decision process. What constitutes legitimate misfittery is up to you. Be honest with yourself.
  6. All other rules notwithstanding, you are always free to root for the Cubs. As I’ve said before, this rule may need revision if the Cubs ever break their jinx–but that’s a problem for the future.

How does that work in the real world? Like so:

The American League playoff teams are Boston, Cleveland, Texas, Baltimore, and Toronto.

I’m tempted to invoke Rule One on the Red Sox, but ESPN has backed off a little on their fascination with Boston and the Red Sox/Yankees rivalry. Add in the David Ortiz farewell tour, and I think they squeeze past Rule One, though they may have left a little skin on the corner as they pushed past.

None of the teams, IMNSHO, qualify as misfits. Toronto and Texas made the playoffs last year, Baltimore made it two years ago, and Boston and Cleveland were in the playoffs in 2013. So nobody really has a record of futility to draw on. I’m calling this a draw.

So, if you normally root for a team in the AL Central, my advice is to root for the Red Sox this playoff season. Contrarily, if you ordinarily follow the Yankees or Rays, this season, you’re best off cheering for the Indians. And if you’re an AL West fan, you can choose: David Ortiz, or the Indians’ jump from a barely-respectable 81-80 record to a second-best in the AL 94-67. Or you could flip a coin.

Over in the National League, life is just as interesting. The teams are Washington, Chicago, Los Angeles, New York, and San Francisco.

Rule One clearly applies to the Nationals. The Dodgers continue their flirtation with Rule One, but since much of the media fascination with the team derives from Vin Scully’s retirement, I can’t come down too hard on them. The Dodgers get a pass and retain rooting eligibility, along with a Vin Scully bonus, similar to the Red Sox’ David Ortiz bonus.

As in the AL, there are no really obvious “misfit” candidates. As for futility, well… The Cubs, Dodgers, and Mets made the playoffs last year, and the Giants’ last playoff appearance was 2014. (The Nationals are already disqualified, but their last appearance was also 2014, so it wouldn’t help them much.)

So here are my NL recommendations: If you normally root for the Marlins, Phillies, or Braves, you may freely choose the Giants or the Cubbies. NL Central fans can, if they wish, invoke Rule Six to allow them to root for Chicago, or go with the Giants. NL West fans’ only real choice is the Cubs.

That leaves you unaffiliated folks. You can align yourself with a team based on where you live, and then follow the above guidelines. Or you can just make the easy choice and root for Chicago. It’s time to end the Cub’s reign as un-champions. Seventy years is plenty.

Me? My fallback teams are the Giants and Mets, so I’m guaranteed to have “my team” make it past the Wild Card. But I don’t get to jump on Chicago’s bandwagon.

And, as usual, those of us who root for Baseball regardless of affiliation, are crossing our fingers in hopes of seven-game series all the way from the DS, through the CS, and on to the WS–even if that does push the end of the season into November.

First game is tonight: Orioles/Blue Jays in the American League Wild Card. Go Birds!

4 thoughts on “Root Who

  1. I think, besides being the team I’ve followed all year, I can invoke the “futility” clause, re the Giants, based entirely on their epic nosedive, post-All Star Game, and what seems to be a recovery, based on their record against the Rockies and Dodgers (whom they swept!), in the last few weeks. We’ll leave the Padres out of it, if you don’t mind.
    In any case, them’s my guys, and I’ll see you on the airwaves, tomorrow.


    • Half a season doesn’t, in my mind, qualify as sufficiently extended futility, especially as they did make the playoffs.

      That said, I did consider that bout of ineptitude as a possible marker for misfit-ism. But even adding that bonus doesn’t really change the rankings significantly.


      • Well, okay. Easy for you to say, but I think the very definition of “futility” was expressed most profoundly, watching people like Posey and Pence and Belt- Feared Hitters, previously at the top of their game- go up there and wave their bats at the ball, or (worse, somehow) hit a pathetic pop-up to the second baseman, OR, time and time again, get a few hits, get a few guys in scoring position, and then…Whiff! Pop! Inning over. Siddown! These last few months have taken their toll, on all Giants fans, and that should count for something, sez I.


        • I guess a rule clarification is in order for next year. “Futility” is defined as a woeful and persistent failure to make the playoffs. Thus, Rule Six merely bestows a “Grand Master” tag on the Cubs, in recognition of their outstanding record in the fine art of futility.


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