There’s all kinds of news about the Bay Bridge Bolt Botch, but (a) I just wrote about it last Thursday, and (b) it’s depressing. I don’t see any reason to inflict it on you today. For that matter, I don’t see any reason to inflict it on me today. I’ll let it accumulate a little longer, and deal with it some day when I’m feeling crankier.
Then there’s the whole “Deflategate” contretemps. There’s a lovely, heartwarming post there about how the Patriots are handling the situation and how it compares to the way they dealt with Aaron Hernandez two years ago. But again, it’s depressing, and I really don’t feel like facing down the decline of civilization today. I’m going to put that one aside for a day when it’s not sunny and seventy degrees out.
The least depressing subject I can come up with today is the accumulated spam in my mailbox. I suppose I should find it depressing that I don’t find spam depressing, but if I go down that mental rat hole, I’m going to need an ice cream sundae to cheer up, and [insert deity of choice] knows I don’t need the calories.
- “You don’t have to look from bank to bank to be able to discover which a bad credit score loan is the most suitable to suit your needs anymore.” Questionable grammar aside, this is some of the most accurate advice I’ve ever seen in a spam comment. You don’t have to look from bank to bank, because now the would-be loaners come to you! Incidentally, this spammer is actually selling shoes “from china”. I’m guessing that he got a bad credit score loan, and is now scrambling to pay it off. Why else would he be selling ceramic shoes?Do you suppose he could give us a good price on glass slippers?
- “I need a good male pseudonym to use when blogging.. Sorry if this is the wrong place for the question :(. It sort of relates because I want to blog, but I don’t want my acquaintances/friends to see it..” Oh, come on. It’s been more than twenty years since we learned that nobody knows you’re a dog, and you’re still trying to come up with a pseudonym? Really, buddy, just use your real name. If any of your friends complain about your lousy spammed advertisements, just tell them it must be some other John Smith. Or Mary Jones, as the case may be. Hmm. I see your website is down. Maybe you shouldn’t have used a pseudonym and a stolen credit card number to sign up with the ISP.
- “The Internet is a place where people can have lots of fun. This can be really annoying for individuals that utilize the network continuously. She has a plan to help you clear the way to the top.” Apparently, her plan is to sell you password cracking software. My college German is sort of spotty these days, but judging by the example pictures on the website*, her software will mostly get you into porn sites. “Lots of fun” indeed–for certain values of fun, anyway.
* For the record, I use a throwaway, emulated computer for checking spammers’ sites. After I look, I wipe the virtual machine and start fresh. This was the first time I actually saw the sacrificial machine get infected with ransomware. I’ll leave it up to you to decide whether most spammers are too intent on selling junk to bother assaulting computers, or if this one was just clumsier than the norm.
- “I love the very first day of peeling when you’ll be able to look down your shirt while at the office, and spend for hours on end reaching your turn in there and peeling off skin in big sheets and I feel just like a snake” This is, without question, my favorite spam comment of all time. Can’t you just picture the poor, sunburned spammer sitting at his computer, trying to type up his latest come-on, while being constantly distracted by the urge to take off his shirt right there in his cubicle so he can peel the dead skin off? Look, in those long-gone days when I went outside, I occasionally got sunburned. And when I did, I’ll admit that I did find the urge to peel myself almost irresistible. But I never did it in the office, thank you very much.
As for this guy’s claim to feel like a snake, it’s got nothing to do with his alleged sunburn. He’s selling phony virus prevention tools. The kind that open an browser window that can’t be closed because all of the buttons start downloading their alleged miracle software onto your computer.
There’s a reason that this kind of crap is called “snake oil“. Clearly in this case, the spammer is making his own merchandise…