Spam: The Next Generation

Why yes, the blog’s spam trap is still catching strange and wonderful new marketing approaches.

Mind you, it’s also still catching huge steaming piles of all-natural fertilizer–lately I’ve been getting several hundred spam attempts a day for online dating, all of which are straight out of the boring, “seen it a million times” school of spam.

Herewith, an assortment of the creative attempts to use my blog to sell you things you didn’t know you needed.

  • gaming laptops under 600 pounds I thought all laptops were under 600 pounds. I certainly don’t want to put one that isn’t on my lap. Maybe they ran afoul of an English/Metric conversion glitch? I’d buy a 600 gram gaming laptop. That was, by the way, the entire message. No details, no link to a website, no attached malware. I have no idea how they expected to make any money.
  • When choosing the colours for you office, there are a few basic points to consider. Agcefefgakbd Another spammer who seems unclear on the concept of driving traffic somewhere: no link, no indication of what’s being sold–and no hint about the considerations involved in painting your office.
  • Human beings during Adam’s era that thought his knowledge of the times was the ultimate reality. For example, when you need reliable vehicle lighting you must try to find flexibility in mounting options. I’ve seen spam invoke biblical authority before, but never for automotive parts. And the use of Adam as the authority is interesting. Did he even own a car? Where would he have driven? There can’t have been much night life in Eden.
  • Today, while I was at work, my cousin stole my iphone and tested to see if it can survive a twenty five foot drop, just so she can be a youtube sensation. My iPad is now destroyed and she has 83 views. I know this is entirely off topic but I had to share it with someone! Any other considerations aside–what’s the point of having an iPhone if you’re going to leave it home where your cousin can get her hands on it–I wish you would explain how dropping your iPhone destroyed your iPad! Given some of the stories I’ve covered here, this one might actually be on topic for the blog if you come up with a few more details. However, you’re right that your game cheats website is off topic.
  • Woodman ended her life in January 1981 by throwing herself of a building after having a long period of depression. Wear old garden clothes when tending to flowering lilies inside garden to stop unwanted stained clothing. I have a sneaking suspicion that the best thing I can do to ward off depression and keep my clothes clean is to NOT buy calla lilies from this spammer. Calla lily spam was really hot for about a week. Did some florist overestimate the number of funerals in his area?
  • Article writing is also a fun, if you know then you can write or else it is complicated to write. I’m guessing this spammer thought I’m still in the QA business and used me to test his new spamming software. Hints for the future: Include a link to what you’re selling and don’t post from an account named “test3”.
  • I like reading an article that can make men and women think. Also, thanks for allowing for me to comment! You’re welcome. I like those articles too. It’s odd, though: I find it much harder to write an article that only makes one gender think. Drop me a note if you have some hints to improve my single-sex writing skills. They might come in useful if I ever decide to spam-sell sports equipment. No, wait, if I do, I’m going to want to sell to men and women.
  • Innovative high heels Guide Exposes Method To Dominate The high heels Scene I hadn’t realized there was a high heels scene, though I can’t say I’m surprised–or startled that it’s apparently linked to domination. Two questions: If everyone uses your method, who’s actually going to dominate the scene? And where do the discount sunglasses you’re selling fit into the high heels scene?
  • Here you will benefit from the elephant trip. After that you’ll discover the Metropolis Palace Advanced and museums. Is it just me, or does this message make more sense when you know the poster is selling health care products of dubious effectiveness. You had heard that many herbal supplements–most of which have never been shown to have any health benefits in the first place–don’t contain the herbs they list on the label? I’m puzzled why this was attached to my piece about Pilot Bread. Maybe the seller thinks elephants like Pilot Bread.
  • That is why we advise injecting grizzly bear adrenaline into your initially cup in the morning. Because there’s nothing better than a hot mug of bear extract to kick your brain into gear. Safety first: make sure you wear this seller’s ski gloves whenever you handle raw grizzly bear adrenaline!

6 thoughts on “Spam: The Next Generation

  1. The choice of headscratcher-spam is endless. This showed up in my inbox today:

    Think You Can Predict Who Is Going To Win the Super-Bowl?
    Cast Your-Vote Now by Visiting the Link Below to Receive a $50 Gift Card for Your Contribution to This Survey!
    Patriots or Seahawks? It’s as Easy as That!

    18 days after the Intereception Heard Round the World triggered the worst day of some Seattleites’ lives? Or maybe I’m slandering the spammer. Maybe they have inside information as to who’s going to be in Super Bowl 2016.

    Aaargh!

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  2. This is why I actually read a lot of my spam before deleting it. So many of them have a strange vibe to them, leaving their purpose to be guessed at. Often, too, they are a sort of window into a world that I’m happy to have nothing to do with. I remember one, recently, that seemed to be selling wrinkle cream, but also, somehow, managed to bring in the NSA, and President Obama, suggesting a sinister government plot to keep the secret of this miraculous cream from us. I think this was the one in which I saw, for the first (but not last) time, the phrase “This may be the one that finally brings Obama down”.
    When they get this divorced from consensual reality, they send a little shiver down my back, as I realize just how very, very batshit crazy some of the people out there really are. I try to imagine them in their poorly heated basement rooms, eating cold pizza and eagerly searching for any scandal big enough to “finally bring Obama down”. I love the “finally”, especially, like, “Jesus, what will it take for the people of this country to see the truth? Maybe- just maybe- this shattering wrinkle cream revelation will do the trick. Wake up, people!”
    I’m just glad we can joke about it. These people are too mentally disorganized to ever achieve any real power, but they do vote, I assume. Thank goodness they have the internet.

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    • I suspect that many of the more coherent–although irrational–spams are stolen from websites. Why go to all the trouble of writing advertising copy when you can just copy/paste a few paragraphs and then search/replace to change “cancer cure” into your product name?

      Still, I wonder whether having the Internet is really a good thing for the actual authors of those tracts. Yes, there’s the benefit of stating their case in public (the Hyde Park pressure valve), but how much harm does it do them to receive validation from the fellow travelers who find their sites and comment approvingly?

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