Still at it

Never let it be said that I’m unwilling to indulge–even pander to–the tastes of my readers, especially when they take the step of sending me research materials.

One reader pointed out that I’ve been neglecting my responsibility to keep you all informed on the activities of our feline overlords. No, not the ones who have taken over my house, the ones who are actively working towards world domination.

  • First, we’ve got a brief note in the police report for Bucyrus, Ohio. On May 9, at 9:45 in the evening, “A report of someone trying to break into a house in the 500 block of South Poplar Street was investigated. It was actually a resident of the house on the roof trying to rescue a cat.”

    Of course, we know what was really going on. The “resident” was clearly under the mental control of the cat. They were preparing a break-in for money or material to support the cat’s nefarious plans. When the police arrived, the cat pulled a “these are not the droids you’re looking for” routine on the hapless officers. No doubt that the break-in continued as planned as soon as the police left.

  • Next up, KDVR in Denver reports that the so-called “Cat Lady of Aurora” has won the release of five of her forty-six cats from the shelter that was holding them hostage.

    The official story is that Schultz fell ill, and to preserve the lives and health of the cats, they were taken in by Almost Home Adoptions. At the time, AHA agreed to return five of the cats when Schultz recovered.

    Naturally, there’s more to the story than that. What’s really going on becomes much clearer when you recognize that Karen Schultz’ home had been co-opted by a local feline supremacy group. Schultz illness and the agreement with AHA were arranged by the cats as a way to spread themselves throughout the community. The five who were to return to Schultz’ home were to act as cadre for the next trainee battalion. AHA’s unwillingness to honor the agreement put the plan in jeopardy, but it appears that it’s back on track.

    I suggest we keep our eyes on the Denver area over the next few years. I’d be willing to bet that we’ll see an upswing in cat-related crimes as the forty-one cats still with AHA settle into new homes and begin exercising control over their new human toys…

  • Then there’s the tale of Tara. At first glance, it appears heart-warming. When a dog attacked a young boy, the feisty feline leaped on the dog and chased him away. The security camera video posted by the boy’s father has been viewed more than 6 million times and received almost 15,000 comments, most expressing approval of the cat’s actions.

    Doesn’t sound much like our typical evil genius moggy, does it? But think about it for a moment. The cat is a former stray (read “emancipated feline”). Two years before the boy, Jeremy, was born, Tara was adopted by his parents-to-be. Jeremy is now four years old, nearing school age. What better time for a cat who needs a human stooge to begin solidifying her mental control? Jeremy now considers Tara his “hero”, and when she begins exerting mental control, suggesting that he take action to support her goals, he’ll be that much more willing. In the meantime, she’s gained the worship of tens of thousands of people around the world and the good will of Jeremy’s parents. Not a bad return for the minimal effort of controlling one dog’s mind for a few seconds!

Finally, I’ll leave you with this report–it’s not directly about criminal cats, but as we’ll see, it may be connected–from Mike Fossum of WebProNews. According to Mike, the recent radiation leaks at the Waste Isolation Pilot Project near Carlsbad, New Mexico may have been due to a change in the type of kitty litter used to absorb liquid in nuclear wastes.

Traditional clay litter has been used for decades in the stabilization of radioactive waste. However, Mike theorizes that a change from clay to a modern “organic” litter composed of plant matter “may have contributed to the chemical reaction that caused the WIPP decontainment.” Take Mike’s theory for what it’s worth–he also takes pains to point out that “kitty litter also houses Toxoplasma gondii, a parasite that exists in cat feces.” Mike is, it appears, under the impression that WIPP stabilizes radioactive waste with used kitty litter. I have to wonder if he thinks that the cats in question are resident at WIPP, or if there’s some kind of national used litter recycling project providing WIPP with its materials.

Personally, I suspect that WIPP is actually a cover for a feline-controlled project to produce giant, mutant cats: the next generation in feline attack technology.

Remember, you heard it here first!

2 thoughts on “Still at it

  1. Look, considering the Mariner’s standing, I can understand why the baseball columns have become more than a little skimpy, of late. Denial is a perfectly understandable human response to difficult emotions. That said, may I point out that you live in an area that currently hosts TWO first place baseball teams? That at least one of these teams is kicking National League ass largely by bringing up farm kids and throwing them into the fray, whereupon said rookies proceed to wallop the stitching off the baseball, causing grateful team mates to circumnavigate the bases, thereby putting numbers on the board? Too, the other team- the one who’s owners hate the city they play in- refuses, once more, to go over in the corner and be quiet until Lew Wolfe (Booo!) figures out a way to screw Oakland, again. (I can’t think why it’s so hard. Oakland is a town that loves to get screwed. We’ll never be out of debt to Al Davis- but, I digress.)
    Anyway, may I gently suggest, enough with the cat columns, already. Frankly, they smack of desperation, as Jon Carrol will attest.
    Just thought the feedback might be helpful. don’t bother to thank me.

    Like

    • I was wondering when you would post a comment along these lines…

      It’s a fact of life that there are more cat-fanciers following this blog than baseball-fanciers. Clearly, that’s a negative from your point of view. It’s largely neutral from mine. I can accommodate both markets.

      That said, I detect a certain amount of observer bias in your remarks. Note that the last baseball post was a mere two weeks ago. Since then, there have been exactly three cat-related posts, and two of them were the regular Friday photos, which are short enough that they shouldn’t count for more than a quarter of a post. So, 1.5 cat posts since the last baseball post. Hardly a major imbalance.

      That said, why should I write about the Giants or As? Nobody other than their fans wants to hear about success. What would I write about the As, anyway? “As still lead the division, still want to move” is akin to writing “Paint on wall still slightly damp.” Granted, it’s only slightly worse than “Bay Bridge still standing,” but there are–rightfully–far more Bay Bridge fans than As fans.

      Nevertheless, as I said in today’s post, I’m not above pandering to the tastes of my readers. Baseball haters, beware. There will be a baseball post next week. The masses have spoken. The fact that I had already been planning a baseball post is irrelevant.

      Off to find a cute cat picture for tomorrow. Stand by.

      Like

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