Ignore the Man Behind the Curtain

I was thinking it’s been a while since I did a general “food” post. I’ve done several recipies, but the last genre survey/rant was arguably December’s leftover turkey discussion. Less controversially, you would have to go back to August for the pizza post and its shocking news about spinach.

I wound up doing the pizza post when I noticed that pizza was eternally at the top of Google’s trends in food searches and consistently dominated the “fast food” category as well. Parenthetically, did you know that interest in pizza peaks on Saturdays? You probably could have guessed that; the bit I found most interesting was that the lowest valleys in interest are on Tuesdays. Why Tuesday? I would have expected it to slide around the middle of the week. But I digress.)

OK, that makes it easy to find a new topic, right? Just check the trends and see what’s number two behind pizza, and I’m all set. I figured the odds were pretty good that it would be burgers. They’re currently hot, judging by the commercials I’m seeing on TV, and the perennial popularity of McDonald’s in the fast food category.

Burgers would have been a problem, actually. I mean, there are plenty of things you can put on a burger, but burger eaters seem to be creatures of habit, even more than pizza eaters. Either you’re already experimenting with toppings or you’ve settled on a single configuration (and the odds say that’s “with bacon and cheese”). If you’re in the first set, you’re not going to gain anything from the amount of guidance I can give in a general survey. If you’re in the latter group, you’re not going to listen to me anyway*.

* On the off chance that I’m wrong about that, I’d suggest starting easy. Try a cheese that isn’t generic “Cheddar” or “American”. Blue is good, and most burger joints joints have some on hand–even if it’s only in the form of salad dressing.

Much to my surprise, burgers don’t even make the Top Twenty list in Google’s “Foods” category. Number Two is “Chicken”. Well, crud. Aside from the fact that I’ve already done several chicken recipes, chicken is the second-most boring foodstuff in existence (behind tofu, naturally). No problem, I’ll try the next one down the list.

Number Three is “cake”. Cake? Come on, Google, cake isn’t a food, it’s an art form. There are plenty of blogs covering cake already–and I don’t bake.

Moving on to Number Four. “Egg.” No, not “eggs.” Just “egg.” Singular. What the hell can you do with one egg? I don’t have a clue. I eat an occasional omelet, which requires more than one egg, thank you. Beyond that, I eat plenty of things that contain eggs, but not much in the way of actual egg dishes. Side question: Are eggs good for you or bad for you this week? I’ve lost track of the current nutritional gospel.

Next? The next three items on the “Food” chart are “Coffee,” “Wine,” and “Beer”. Excuse me? Those are beverages, not foods. Toss ’em off the list and move everything else up three slots.

With the beverages banished, Number Five is “Cheese”. Touched on that in the burger footnote. I could probably milk “cheese” as a subject for a week. On the udder hand, I did that for butter, so doing it for cheese seems redundant.

Number Six: “Bread”. Sigh As the Big G notes, “Bread is a staple food…” Yeah, it is. Sure, there are millions of variations in bread. Billions when you start looking at all of the combinations of form factor, core ingredients, and flavorings. But let’s face it: bread isn’t really a standalone food, it’s more of a supporting element in the larger meal. Important, sure, but you’re probably going to pick your bread once you’ve settled on a main dish.

We’ll toss out “Tea”, pulling “Beef” up another slot to Number Seven. That was one of the first posts on the blog. A popular one, too. Been there, done that, as the hip kids don’t say anymore. Moving on.

Number Eight is “Milk”. Whoops, nope. ‘Nother beverage. Out it goes, with an added kick in the pants for redundancy a la “cheese”. Number Eight is “Potato”. You’ve already go my favorite potato recipe. Anything else I say about it would be anti-climactic.

“Taco” slides up the chart and into the Number Nine slot. Hmm. We could have some fun with a “soft versus hard” debate. Argue whether it’s absolutely necessary to bread the fish in a fish taco. Discuss whether what Taco Bell sells is actually “food”. This has some potential. Put it in the envelope.

Number Ten: “Cookie”. See “Cake”.

That wasn’t nearly as productive as I had hoped. I’m over 800 words into the post, and I’ve only now managed to settle on a topic. I hope you’ve enjoyed this little peek behind the scenes at how a blog post comes to be. Tune in Thursday when we’ll actually talk about tacos. Excuse me. “Taco”.

2 thoughts on “Ignore the Man Behind the Curtain

  1. taco? aint he the one hit wonder from Indonasia who redid Putting On Ritz …. btw .. you’re welcome.


    • Damn it, Lior, stop stealing my jokes before I even write them! How do you expect me to copyright them and retire on the royalties I charge you when you keep doing that?


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