Time for another roundup of cat-related news from around the world.
Adriana Lee reports that her cats didn’t take it well when she installed a home monitoring system to keep tabs on them.
We’ve talked about the risks of insufficiently-secured home monitoring systems before, but we missed this one. According to Adriana, the system had been in place for less than a day when the motion sensor alerted her to feline activity in the bedroom. She switched on the camera just in time to witness one of the cats lying down on her pillow, looking at the camera, and then coughing up a hairball on her side of the bed.
Clearly the cats were up to something nefarious and didn’t want her to catch them at it. We all know from the movies that premature revelation of a villain’s plans for world domination are the most common reason why the plans fail. Surely the cats are well aware of that fact too.
Or maybe they’re not after world domination. Maybe they’re members of the growing class of feline masterminds. Adriana doesn’t say where she lives, but it could be that her cats are controlling James Lawlor of Clearwater, Florida. Mr. Lawlor was arrested when he tried to walk out of Walmart pushing a shopping cart filled with cat food.
He claimed that he planned to sell the food to a friend with 300 cats, but how likely is that? It seems obvious that his claim is really a cover story to avoid revealing his feline controller, who’s attempting to set up a food supply independent of any human. Stocking a secret command post is an expensive proposition; any savings you can realize through control of weak-minded humans is money you can put into catnip-infused champagne for your victory party.
A bit of sad news on the subject of feline overlords: The infamous Colonel Meow passed away last week. The Colonel’s minions request that memorial contributions be sent to Seattle Persian and Himalayan Rescue. My presumption is that SPHR is a front established by the Colonel’s successor, and the funds will be used to further the Colonel’s dream of world domination.
Not all cats are as blatant in their methods as Colonel Meow. Take a peek at this post by Devan McGuinness. The post, clearly ghost-written by a cat, makes it clear that humans should dump their spouses and lavish all of their love on their feline
overlordscompanions. Her ten reasons why a cat is the perfect valentine are a frightening peek into the way cats want us to think of them. I’m particularly taken by number 4: “Hanging out at home is also their idea of a really good time.” Forget all the times the cats have tried to dash past your feet when you open the door or squeeze out of a barely-opened window. They don’t want to get out to further their nefarious plans at all. You clearly are hallucinating. Your cat wants nothing more than to stay at home and watch “Love Actually” with you (per reason number 8).
One last note. Our feline masters are figuring out that sometimes it’s worthwhile for them to team up and work together to extend their control over humans. Case in point: there are currently two groups competing to open the first “cat cafe” in the U.S. Both groups are in the SF Bay Area, and one suspects that the competition between them owes as much to the rivalry between San Francisco and Oakland as it does to the battle for market- and mind-share. Both groups are affiliated with rescue/adoption organizations, so the potential for the feline masters to use the cafes to infiltrate formerly cat-free homes is obvious.
The race to open first–both groups are targeting this summer–is still neck-and-neck. Both groups have tentative approval from the appropriate zoning and health departments, both have secured partial funding, and both are still looking for appropriate spaces.
Stay tuned. When (or if) either group manages to get their venture off the ground, I’ll be sure to do an on-the-spot report.